Bhavneet Singh By Express News Service HYDERABAD: “This was so funny, I’m sure you will use it in your stand up act.” Nope. Doesn’t even make it to my worst 100 ideas list.“You know what? I’ll give you permission to use my story in your show.” Thank you, your highness! But I hate to break it to you that your life isn’t that funny. And it is okay as long as you don’t brag about it to me for an hour before giving me ‘permission’ to use a story about how you once had Fanta instead of Mirinda. Being a stand up comedian in India right now is one of the hardest things to do. I know I’m nitpicking because there are tougher jobs in the world. For example, the guy who had to collect the butterflies for the PM’s birthday, the guy who is KRK’s PR manager or just the guy counting all the challan money that’s starting to flow in after the new regulations. But trust me, there’s no job where self-entitled people walk in telling you how they are much better than you at your own job. “I have a friend who we keep telling to do comedy. He is so much better than you!” Then why did you pay 500 rupees to watch me, sir? He wasn’t in the mood to tell you jokes today? Well that’s part of the job, telling jokes no matter how you feel. Also, I never walked in to your office and told you my friend could code better than you! The reason this happens is simple. The time it takes to become a seasoned stand up comic is roughly 12 years. India’s stand up comedy scene is eight years old. And Hyderabad’s stand up comedy audience has just learnt how to buy tickets for things that aren’t movies. It is common to run into people who think stand up comedy and mimicry are the same thing. Mimicry? Really? You see no difference between a person imitating Shahrukh Khan and a person who is making jokes about him without imitating him? I’m so tired of this I just tell people I play the guitar for a living! That works till they go “Can you teach me?” Another thing that really bothers comics is “Oh I’m a fan of stand up comedy, especially Kapil Sharma.” Those words feel like acid in my ears for two reasons. One, Kapil Sharma isn’t a stand up comedian, he is a TV show host. Two, his comedy is sexist and he needs his extras to cross dress to get a laugh while all I need is a mic and an audience (a speaker helps too). It doesn’t end here. There are some who believe comedy shouldn’t be done about things that are personal to them. Here’s an actual post-show conversation. “You shouldn’t be making fun of xyz religion”. “But I made fun of the other religions too”. “Yeah that is okay because they are wrong, don’t make fun of my religion.” It is days like this where I feel every comic deserves to get free meditation allowance from the government. How else do you tackle such levels of ignorance? But the worst kind of people are the ones who ask you “When is your next show?” These people are the absolute worst because when you tell them the show details, they open a portal and cross over into a parallel universe where this chat window never existed and the conversation never happened! And that would be okay if they didn’t come back again in two months with “When is your next show?” only to open the portal and disappear again. I’d prefer being in the dreaded ‘friend-zone’ over this because the friend zone doesn’t give you a false hope. All I’m saying is, it is difficult enough to make you laugh, stop piling on. Be a good audience and we’ll make you laugh more than your life (or that friend or Kapil Sharma) ever did! (The writer is a standup comedian;he can be contacted on Instagram@bhavneetuncut)

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